Trust Me, I’m a Republican

The Econonist has published an (excellent) article about the way republicans in the U.S. are playing up the threat of rag-headed extremists trying to kill hardworking, decent Americans. Let’s be frank, this is old news. My mate and everyone else knows that right wing parties all over the world pretty much own the debate when it comes to national security and the economy. What’s shocking is how on earth they can still find votes in areas that they’ve pretty much proved they can’t handle.

The Counterfeit Cowboy’s game plan in the area has always been fundamentally broken. Even after all the evidence piled up, he continued to believe that state-sponsored terrorism was a genuine danger to the nation. Dick Cheney is now talking about al-Qaeda overthrowing a Middle Eastern country (if they need any tips: Lebanon and Iraq look like good pickings at the moment) to use as a base of
operations. Okay, so let’s get this straight. There’s never been any state-sponsored terrorism (apart from Qaddafi, but he’s a mate these days) but there’s going to be. Same story with nukes. The good old boys spend years worrying about someone nuking L.A. (they shouldn’t, Jack will deal with it). When September 11 happens, they tell us that a nuke will be next. Let’s face it, they aren’t
exactly Rick Rescorla.

It only gets worse when you consider the mess they’ve made of Iraq. I mean, my mate was actually in favour of kicking the Butcher of Baghdad out, but no-one can claim it was a job well done. I mean,
there’s been nearly as many Americans killed in Iraq as in the World Trade centre. And believe me, Osama’s buddies are working on catching up with that total every day. What’s worse, there seem to be a heck of a lot more islamic terrorists about than there were a few years ago. And most of them seem to have got going by Iraq. So we’ve actually made terrorists. Bin Laden must pray to God every day thanking him for Dubya.

Back in Lebanon, Hizbollah seem to laughing, as well. Iran’s managed to get rid of its moderates and really is working on nukes. And America’s out of troops to do anything about either. Shit, what we talking about before my mate started drinking? Oh yeah, Republicans are strong on security issues. Well, maybe most days, but this administration makes Jimmy Carter look good. But still they’re throwing their weight into scaring the American people as much as possible so that they can continue to push the country their way. My mate can’t remember what the word you use for people like that is. Oh yeah… terrorists.

Alchoholics and Christ Killers

My mate drinks sometimes. Sometimes, when he’s drunk, he’ll be talking to a girl he knows and suddenly start telling her how, despite all evidence to the contrary, he’s actually crazy about her and hasn’t been able to stop thinking about her for weeks. The girl will, as any sensible woman would, find the nearest sober friend and instruct them that it’s time my mate was taken home. One extremely painful hangover later, my mate’s attention is focussed on laughing off the whole thing.

So, my mate is no stranger to saying stuff he didn’t mean to say However, I’ll let you in on a secret. Every time my mate did something like that he kind of meant it. So, now we get Mad Max drink-driving and declaring that Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. (Really? Which side are they on in Kashmir?) So, whatever Braveheart says next, you’ve gotta wonder if he kind of meant it.

Now, a couple of years ago Mel Gibson made a very odd movie called The Passion of The Christ years ago. Different people saw different things in it. Atheists saw an absence of spiritual feeling. Catholics saw the work of Opus Dei (the real one…). Screaming fundamentalists saw God, but then they always do. The headlines, though, were about anti-semitism.

My mate’s not one of those to boycott a movie, went and saw it anyway. Ninety minutes of explicit torture scenes later, my mate thought the case unproven. Certainly there were bits that could be construed as anti-semitic, but weren’t those bits in the bible, too?

The church and anti-semitism has a long and unpleasant history. The teaching that Jews killed Christ and were, in some sense, fundamentally evil has run through history, giving rise to all sorts of unpleasant words: ghetto, pogrom. Not that you need to be a Christian to be an anti-semite, but it’s only this century that the Church has finally apologised.

But when you’ve got Opus Dei’s most famous member getting drunking and spouting stuff that could come straight from The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, my mate gets suspiscious. Is the movie anti-semitic? Is this his opinion? Or does Opus Dei cling to some really rather unpleasant outmoded beliefs along with their rather harmless obsession with hurting themselves. Well, it’d probably help to watch the movie again, but frankly, my mate doesn’t fancy it.

Don’t come back

My mate was telling me that Fidel Castro has handed power to his brother. Old Fidel is one of the last old school South American dictators, in other words, scum. All over the continent, people have been kicking out those losers and trying to stick their country back together. Fidel has clung on and continued to strangle his country for twenty years more than most.

Some people reckon that Fidel’s a bit of a special case because he’s a commie. This makes him an automatic hero to some people, and an automatic demon to others. And there’s the big history with America, which makes him popular with the sort of people who don’t care who you are, as long as you make the Yanks look stupid. My mate doesn’t think the average Joe (or Juan) cares what political flavour his oppressor is.

And another thing. Your brother, Fidel? You mean that in the last fifty years since taking control you can’t think of anyone better to run the country than your brother? Well, there’s basically two possibilities. One is that your entire government is full of incompetents. The other is he’s the only guy you trust to give power back. Funny the way communist countries end up looking like absolute monarchies.

My mate’s mum went to Cuba last year. She said it was a dump. Let’s think about that for a minute. A dump. A poor dump. We’re talking about prime real estate rafting distance from Miami. The birthplace of salsa. This place should be minting it. People should be immigrating to Cuba, not trying to escape it. Sooner he’s gone for good, the better.

Lebanon: Repeats on the BBC

My mate is sick and tired of repeats on the television. Yes, it was really funny watching Penelope Keith fall over in The Good Life the first time. And the second time. Even the tenth. By now, my mate is switching over and watching something else, so the BBC are repackaging repeats as nostalgia shows. So we get Richard Briers talking about how he wasn’t sure he wanted to be in the show, but that it worked out quite well in the end. They then talk about the casting for Majorie, and cut to Penelope Keith wearing that spotless yellow outfit and falling into the mud. Again.

One thing that the BBC can’t usefully repeat is the news. You can’t really show that stuff again. Only, for some reason my mate seems to be watching re-runs of the 1980 conflict in Lebanon where current affairs should be. Let’s remind ourselves, shall we:

• Agitators in southern Lebanon deliberately piss off Israel.
• Israel responds with overwhelming and disproportionate force.
• World throws up its hands.
• Israel destroys the Lebanese government.
• Agitators gain the local equivalent of street cred.
• Everyone talks behinds Israel’s back.
• Israel throws up its hands and moves out.
• Richard Briers chases Felicity Kendall up the stairs
• Civil war ensues, mostly started by the same agitators who pissed off Israel in the first place.
• Hostage taking and the usual stuff occurs that happens in failed states.
• Yet another country invades, supposedly to keep order, but actually as part of a power grab.
• Lebanon becomes a puppet state. This suits the agitators just fine.
• Geoffrey Palmer gets the order for the Christmas tree wrong.
• Popular uprising kicks the occupiers out, and tries democracy for a while. Agitators love street cred.
• Agitators in southern Lebanon deliberately piss off Israel.
• Penelope Keith falls over.

What makes the whole story even more boring is the fact that it’s the same damn people as last time. Hizbollah didn’t do too badly out of the destruction of the Lebanese state last time round, so why should they do anything different this time? The Israeli hawks just love shelling their neighbours, and know that no-one will stand up to them. So, who loses? Well, anyone who thought the idea of a Muslim democracy was a good idea, for one.

Much as my mate hates repeats, though, at least he can switch off the television and get on with his life. There’s thousands of people in Lebanon who deserve better, from all of us.

Charles Clarke tries to change the subject

So, Charles Clarke wants to make the rules on deporting prisoners tougher. How much tougher exactly? Turns out, all he's saying is that if a foreigner commits a crime, we should presume he should go. My mate may be being stupid, but what's wrong with the idea of letting the judges decide whether or not they think someone should be deported. And here's a crazy idea: how about someone from Immigration actually considers the case on its merits?

Actually, once you start on crazy ideas, they just keep coming: how about someone from Immigration actually turns up and bothers to do something? Maybe if they fixed that, we wouldn't have this problem. My mate hates stuff like this, the problem isn't foreigners, the problem is incompetence. Of course, Charles and Tony don't want to talk about that, because a conversation about competence isn't what they want to have right now.

Let's not forget, we're not actually talking about immigration right now. This isn't about jobs or benefit cheats. We're talking about getting rid of people that a judge, in full possession of the facts of the case, said was an undesireable we don't want on our shores. If these people had been even considered for deportation, there wouldn't even be a story. It's a joke, but not one that many people are going to find very funny.